I went through a psychotic depression VIII

Don’t look back — Eric Johansson

This is the 8th in a series of “My journey through Anxiety, depression and psychosis. Please click here for Parts I, II, III, IV, V , VIand VII if you wish to read the backstory (It might make more sense).

For those of you who don’t already know, I started writing about my journey some months ago and only intended to write it in four posts. However, it’s become clear that my journey was a lot longer and more painful than I remembered, making it difficult to get the words down on paper at times. I’ve taken breaks and written other posts in between, giving me time to reflect and bounce back a bit stronger each time.

My angry son

………….. I held onto Nic tightly and let him sob into my shoulder — until his howling became a whimper.

Finally, he looked up at me angrily and backed onto his bed “I’ll kill him. If I knew all that, I’d have kicked him out myself mama. Aarrgghhh!” he screamed. “I’ll bloody well kill him,” he cried as he jumped down from his bed and paced the tight space between me and his bunk bed.

“Do you know what he told us Mama?” — “He’s had me and Dan in tears nearly every weekend for over six months….. Aarrgghhh! He told us that you were cheating, seeing other men!”

“Oh, my word, Sunshine, that not true,” I blubbered, “You know I’d never do that. You know how I feel about cheating.” They knew what their Nana had gone through in her life with my dad. They’d always been taught never to raise their hands to partners and if they’re unhappy with someone then leave, before meeting someone else.

“I know mama, but he was so convincing, crying and everything.”

“He’s hurt Sunsh……”

“So. the b*stard — sorry Mama. He should be flippin’ sorry. And he’s with Bel now anyway. Is that who he was cheating with? What’s his flipping problem? I hate him mama.”

“No Sunshine, you’re angry and upset. You don’t hate him. Come on, let’s get some sleep and we’ll talk more in the morning if you want.”

“Okay. But I still hate him and I don’t want to see him any more mama.”

Can’t get to sleep — Getty Images

“Please Sunshine, don’t tell Dan yet, let me talk to him first,” and off we both went, to our beds. But sleep wouldn’t come. All this was turning over in my head and I understood how Nic’s behaviour had changed towards me. Not that I’m making excuses for him drinking, his moodiness or his sometimes foul language — I’m not. Each of these issues will be addressed openly and sensitively at some point because I’m a great believer in being allowed to express your self, but in an appropriate manner.

My angry ex

Tony was coming to take the boys the next day so I was up early because I thought it best to give him some warning. I called him “Tony listen, I’m sorry but Nic knows about you hitting me. I had to……….”

“You f*cking stupid bitch,” he screamed, “What did you do that for? F*ck sake.”

“Look, I’m sorry. I had to tell him — you’d told them I was cheating; seeing other men.” I’d later remember I’d apologised to him — twice — doh!

“I’m coming round – now.”

“No don’t, Nic doesn’t want to see you. Leave it today.”

Teenager on sofa with smartphone —
image by Canva

“B*llocks,” he yelled and I heard the phone slam down. He lived across the road, he wouldn’t be long. Fortunately, the boys were up anyway, they’d eaten and Dan was dressed and waiting on the sofa for his dad. Nic, I knew, certainly wasn’t going anywhere with his dad and he turned to go up the stairs. At that the front door burst open and in thundered Tony, “What’s going on? Nic, get ready, we’re off mate.”

Crikey, Nic was now thundering down the stairs so I stood at the bottom with my back to him, trying to stop him getting to his dad. I really didn’t want to see them fight. As I’ve mentioned before, Nic and Dan are black belts in karate and I wasn’t sure how a fight would end but what I was sure of, is that Tony wouldn’t ever give in!

My angry ex is a pig

Then he started, “I bet she ain’t told you about all her crap, has she?”

“Leave it Tony,” I begged. I didn’t want the boys to find out about how I’d endured childhood abuse — and certainly not in this way. However, and as expected, Tony just wouldn’t stop.

“Ask your mother why I cheated…. go on, ask her.”

Angry man — Simplerecovery.com

I could feel the tension in Nic behind me as I kept my arms stretched out to hold him off. “Go on ask her, ask her why she let some dirty old c*nt do ……….. and she f*cking did all that but she won’t f*cking give me ………. Go on. Ask her,” he goaded. “And — ask her why I hit her, the f*cking frigid cow. But she’d give it away to anyone else.”

“Aaarrgghhh! You effin’ b*stard. Move mama! Please, move out the way,” Nic begged.

“No Sunshine. Tony – go,” I pleaded. I could see Dan on the sofa, wide eyed pale skinned and white lipped, in panic. “Just go. You’re upsetting everyone,” I hissed.

“Nah mate. Dan come on, we’re going cinema…….” he smiled and tried to drag Dan off the sofa. But Dan wasn’t having any of it.

“No, I’m not going anywhere with you. Go dada, I don’t want to see you. I hate you.” Dan fumed and I watched my poor boy’s fear and anger pumping through his young body, his fists clenched, face white and lips pale. Big fat tears spilled from his huge brown eyes and I saw how he tried to blink them back, but in the end he snatched them away with the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

“Tony just go,” I insisted.

Anger, upset and tears

However, now it was Tony’s turn to pale as he realised how upset both boys were with him and I know it would have been like a kick in the stomach for him, to hear them say “I hate you!” Ouch! He gave up and slouched out the front door. We could see from the kitchen window, how he was kicking at loose stone, angrily. Nic went up to his room and I went to mine, to breathe and calm down. Dan followed me and was down on his knees staring up at me sitting on my bed, “Mama, did dada ever rape you?”

“No Sweetheart, never.”

Boy talking with mum —

“Well why was he saying all that stuff? Why was he talking about an old man? Who was he? Did he rape you mama?” My heart was breaking for him, this young innocent boy having to hear Tony’s pathetic tale, all just to get back at me. He’s such an ignorant pig, the boys knew it too, but this — this was something else.

True to their word, the boys refused to see him for about six months, despite my protestations i.e. “Look Daddy’s angry at mama, not you two. He loves you both.”

“Yeah, well he’s got a funny way of showing it,” Nic tutted,”and he’s hurt you mama. All that crap he fed us. No, I still hate him.”

“Me too mama. I hate him and I don’t care if I never see him again. He shouldn’t have hurt you mama, I don’t want you to be upset any more” Dan said tearfully, while trying to appear brave.

Telling the boys I’m okay

Boys at breakfast with mum — niddk.nih.gov/

“He’s gone now Sweetheart. Shall we go out for lunch?” I trilled in my happy voice, trying to minimise their pain. So we did; we talked things over and I gave the boys only the very briefest details of the childhood sexual abuse because they’d asked me and because they wanted to know. Dan said very wisely, “Mama, we’ve always been honest and open, it’s better we know and hear it from you.” so I told them “Boys, it’s happened and it hurts but it’s all over now -and I’ve got a good therapist to talk to when I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’ve also got nana and Liz so please try to stop worrying about me.

They also asked how long he’d been hitting me but I didn’t want to tell them. “Mama, now we know, he did hit you, how often?” And I’d told them a very short version; as any mum would. I don’t believe they were old enough or emotionally mature at the time and said that perhaps they could speak to their dad about it. I got an emphatic no!

So, eventually, the boys settled once more…….

I’ve only got one more episode of this particular journey and I hope you’ll bear with me. I hadn’t realise how exhausting this process would be and I’m pleased it’s coming to and end — almost there.

This my story and Tony might argue or deny, which he’s always done. Do you think I could have handled the above situation differently?

If you’ve been affected by anything in this post, please seek support from your GP.

Author: mentalhealth360.uk

Mum to two amazing sons. Following recovery from a lengthy psychotic episode, depression, anxiety and anorexia, I decided to train as a Mental Health Nurse and worked successfully in various settings before becoming a Ward Manager. I am a Mental Health First Aid Instructor and a Mental Health Awareness Trainer, Mental Health First Aid Youth and Mental Health Armed Forces Instructor. Just started my mental health from the other side blog.

27 thoughts on “I went through a psychotic depression VIII”

  1. My wife’s father was a serial cheater. I suspect it was more obvious to the girls than the mother. In the end, the mother kicked the guy out but I’m not sure much was said to the girls. They must’ve been about your boys’ ages by then, so could draw their own conclusions. My wife never spoke to him again, but ironically, we had a knock on the door from the police, 20 years later, when he died (he was murdered, hence the police), because being the eldest, she was next of kin. From what my wife told me, this guy was dodgy through and through.

      1. I suspect the girls probably guessed some time before they knew. I must admit my views on the matter are very clear-cut, simlistic. Just to finish it. but they don’t really take account of things like marriage or children. That’s why I say they’re simplistic. There are quite a few situations where I look back and say “thank goodness I never went through that” and this is one of them. A lot of it, you know, I was very career-oriented and probably spent a lot of time doing that rather than chasing people’s girlfriends.

  2. Children are so loyal and should not be in that situation … in an ideal world that is. I don’t think you could have done anything differently, not telling them, those secrets make it worse. At least Tony showed his ‘true colors’ but in the end he is the father.
    I guess all three of you learned a lot from this moments. The boys love you so much, it’s so beautiful to read how love does conquer the pain and the uglyness of life. Much love to you!
    Ps Tony is a …. (curse word of your choosing) for the moment he ‘decided’ to blur ‘the information’ out in a very much less than appropriate time and manner. A big NO from me!

  3. You ask, ‘Do you think I could have handled the above situation differently?’. The proof is in the pudding. You clearly have done extremely well. You made some right decisions.

  4. It must have been hard watching your sons try to process these revelations. Still, I think you handled it the best you could. From the way they responded when they heard the truth, your boys sound amazing, and I’m glad they had you to teach them respect and compassion.

  5. Psychotic depression… ?
    Tough reading, but I need to understand more about this. Someone else’s diagnosis, someone else’s records, and I arrived here, I think, via my Identity Crisis post, January 17th

    Another person’s illness, not mine, but action and inaction by others placed me for a time in that person’s life.

  6. Wow…just wow. What a story. You have really been through it. I’m surprised you were able to get through school and work in such a demanding career with all you were going through at the time. You are a really amazing woman.

    You mentioned that writing your story was really difficult for you and you had to take breaks. I can only imagine. As the reader, I had to take breaks myself. I felt a whirlwind of emotions while reading the posts. You did an amazing job describing what you were going through and your feelings at the time (particularly how your mental health was affecting your day to day life), so I couldn’t help getting emotional. Thankyou for sharing your story. I’m glad you were able to get through those difficult times, and you are in a better place now.

    1. Thank you for your kind comments Charli, much appreciated 🙂 As a mum, you have to get through things and try not to have the children in the middle. I didn’t want sons to be witness to me being hit – I saw my dad do it to my mum, and as a child you can’t do anything. I never like my own father! And he could understand why – he denied hitting my mum. Just as the boys’ father denies that he ever hit me. He said it must have been the drugs ha! Anyway, yes I’m in a much better place now. I’m still physically disabled and I still get depression/anxiety sometimes but I can cope with that now. Life’s much easier and I get to travel a lot now 🙂 x

      1. Wow! I can only imagine trying to protect your children from the conflicts going on. It’s a shame that your husband and father can’t admit the truth. Looks like they still have work to do on themselves. I’m just glad you’re enjoying life now!

      2. Yep, the boys still look after themselves and go for counselling whenever they feel the need. Shame they have to but I’m proud that they’ll ask for help x

  7. I think that you should be incredibly proud of yourself. You showed great respect and love for your two boys. Sometimes we try and hold back the truth in order for others not to feel pain and this may lead to even more confusion and mistrust. I believe you honored your boys by trusting that they were strong enough to manage what you shared with them and by always affirming that their father loves them no matter what has happened 🙂

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