This is the 8th in a series of “My journey through Anxiety, depression and psychosis. Please click here for Parts I, II, III, IV, V , VIand VII if you wish to read the backstory (It might make more sense).
For those of you who don’t already know, I started writing about my journey some months ago and only intended to write it in four posts. However, it’s become clear that my journey was a lot longer and more painful than I remembered, making it difficult to get the words down on paper at times. I’ve taken breaks and written other posts in between, giving me time to reflect and bounce back a bit stronger each time.
My angry son
………….. I held onto Nic tightly and let him sob into my shoulder — until his howling became a whimper.
Finally, he looked up at me angrily and backed onto his bed “I’ll kill him. If I knew all that, I’d have kicked him out myself mama. Aarrgghhh!” he screamed. “I’ll bloody well kill him,” he cried as he jumped down from his bed and paced the tight space between me and his bunk bed.
“Do you know what he told us Mama?” — “He’s had me and Dan in tears nearly every weekend for over six months….. Aarrgghhh! He told us that you were cheating, seeing other men!”
“Oh, my word, Sunshine, that not true,” I blubbered, “You know I’d never do that. You know how I feel about cheating.” They knew what their Nana had gone through in her life with my dad. They’d always been taught never to raise their hands to partners and if they’re unhappy with someone then leave, before meeting someone else.
“I know mama, but he was so convincing, crying and everything.”
“He’s hurt Sunsh……”
“So. the b*stard — sorry Mama. He should be flippin’ sorry. And he’s with Bel now anyway. Is that who he was cheating with? What’s his flipping problem? I hate him mama.”
“No Sunshine, you’re angry and upset. You don’t hate him. Come on, let’s get some sleep and we’ll talk more in the morning if you want.”
“Okay. But I still hate him and I don’t want to see him any more mama.”
“Please Sunshine, don’t tell Dan yet, let me talk to him first,” and off we both went, to our beds. But sleep wouldn’t come. All this was turning over in my head and I understood how Nic’s behaviour had changed towards me. Not that I’m making excuses for him drinking, his moodiness or his sometimes foul language — I’m not. Each of these issues will be addressed openly and sensitively at some point because I’m a great believer in being allowed to express your self, but in an appropriate manner.
My angry ex
Tony was coming to take the boys the next day so I was up early because I thought it best to give him some warning. I called him “Tony listen, I’m sorry but Nic knows about you hitting me. I had to……….”
“You f*cking stupid bitch,” he screamed, “What did you do that for? F*ck sake.”
“Look, I’m sorry. I had to tell him — you’d told them I was cheating; seeing other men.” I’d later remember I’d apologised to him — twice — doh!
“I’m coming round – now.”
“No don’t, Nic doesn’t want to see you. Leave it today.”
“B*llocks,” he yelled and I heard the phone slam down. He lived across the road, he wouldn’t be long. Fortunately, the boys were up anyway, they’d eaten and Dan was dressed and waiting on the sofa for his dad. Nic, I knew, certainly wasn’t going anywhere with his dad and he turned to go up the stairs. At that the front door burst open and in thundered Tony, “What’s going on? Nic, get ready, we’re off mate.”
Crikey, Nic was now thundering down the stairs so I stood at the bottom with my back to him, trying to stop him getting to his dad. I really didn’t want to see them fight. As I’ve mentioned before, Nic and Dan are black belts in karate and I wasn’t sure how a fight would end but what I was sure of, is that Tony wouldn’t ever give in!
My angry ex is a pig
Then he started, “I bet she ain’t told you about all her crap, has she?”
“Leave it Tony,” I begged. I didn’t want the boys to find out about how I’d endured childhood abuse — and certainly not in this way. However, and as expected, Tony just wouldn’t stop.
“Ask your mother why I cheated…. go on, ask her.”
I could feel the tension in Nic behind me as I kept my arms stretched out to hold him off. “Go on ask her, ask her why she let some dirty old c*nt do ……….. and she f*cking did all that but she won’t f*cking give me ………. Go on. Ask her,” he goaded. “And — ask her why I hit her, the f*cking frigid cow. But she’d give it away to anyone else.”
“Aaarrgghhh! You effin’ b*stard. Move mama! Please, move out the way,” Nic begged.
“No Sunshine. Tony – go,” I pleaded. I could see Dan on the sofa, wide eyed pale skinned and white lipped, in panic. “Just go. You’re upsetting everyone,” I hissed.
“Nah mate. Dan come on, we’re going cinema…….” he smiled and tried to drag Dan off the sofa. But Dan wasn’t having any of it.
“No, I’m not going anywhere with you. Go dada, I don’t want to see you. I hate you.” Dan fumed and I watched my poor boy’s fear and anger pumping through his young body, his fists clenched, face white and lips pale. Big fat tears spilled from his huge brown eyes and I saw how he tried to blink them back, but in the end he snatched them away with the sleeve of his sweatshirt.
“Tony just go,” I insisted.
Anger, upset and tears
However, now it was Tony’s turn to pale as he realised how upset both boys were with him and I know it would have been like a kick in the stomach for him, to hear them say “I hate you!” Ouch! He gave up and slouched out the front door. We could see from the kitchen window, how he was kicking at loose stone, angrily. Nic went up to his room and I went to mine, to breathe and calm down. Dan followed me and was down on his knees staring up at me sitting on my bed, “Mama, did dada ever rape you?”
“No Sweetheart, never.”
“Well why was he saying all that stuff? Why was he talking about an old man? Who was he? Did he rape you mama?” My heart was breaking for him, this young innocent boy having to hear Tony’s pathetic tale, all just to get back at me. He’s such an ignorant pig, the boys knew it too, but this — this was something else.
True to their word, the boys refused to see him for about six months, despite my protestations i.e. “Look Daddy’s angry at mama, not you two. He loves you both.”
“Yeah, well he’s got a funny way of showing it,” Nic tutted,”and he’s hurt you mama. All that crap he fed us. No, I still hate him.”
“Me too mama. I hate him and I don’t care if I never see him again. He shouldn’t have hurt you mama, I don’t want you to be upset any more” Dan said tearfully, while trying to appear brave.
Telling the boys I’m okay
“He’s gone now Sweetheart. Shall we go out for lunch?” I trilled in my happy voice, trying to minimise their pain. So we did; we talked things over and I gave the boys only the very briefest details of the childhood sexual abuse because they’d asked me and because they wanted to know. Dan said very wisely, “Mama, we’ve always been honest and open, it’s better we know and hear it from you.” so I told them “Boys, it’s happened and it hurts but it’s all over now -and I’ve got a good therapist to talk to when I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’ve also got nana and Liz so please try to stop worrying about me.
They also asked how long he’d been hitting me but I didn’t want to tell them. “Mama, now we know, he did hit you, how often?” And I’d told them a very short version; as any mum would. I don’t believe they were old enough or emotionally mature at the time and said that perhaps they could speak to their dad about it. I got an emphatic no!
So, eventually, the boys settled once more…….
I’ve only got one more episode of this particular journey and I hope you’ll bear with me. I hadn’t realise how exhausting this process would be and I’m pleased it’s coming to and end — almost there.
This my story and Tony might argue or deny, which he’s always done. Do you think I could have handled the above situation differently?
If you’ve been affected by anything in this post, please seek support from your GP.