Living with mental illness and the self-help methods I tried
Let me tell you, I know all about mental illness and self-help, both from my personal and professional experiences.
This is the 3rd in a series of “My journey through Anxiety, Depression and Psychosis.” You can read Part I and Part II if you want to find out more.
Some of you will already know a bit about my journey. However, after recent personal trials and tribulations, I thought I’d revisit this post.
It reminded me how bad that period of my life was. I was able to see how far I’d come, how I got through it, and what helped. Having re-read the post I realised that no matter what life throws at me, I will never let myself become that person again. I will seek out support way before it gets to that level.
See, I know how deep that black hole can be and, once you go down there, it’s not easy to climb your way back out! Mental illness is so hard to live with.
If you see anything of yourself or your own experiences in this post, perhaps you’ll feel relieved that you’re not alone, and you’ll seek support.
While reading my story you might gain new insight into different mental health problems, and understand how difficult it is for people who experience mental illness. Maybe you’ll recognise some of the symptoms in a friend or family member and learn how you might be able to help them.
Okay, let’s look at the self-help methods I tried for my anxiety, depression and psychosis. What worked, and what didn’t work so well.
Who said I had a mental illness?
One day I took the boys to see our GP about their asthma and after he’d seen them he sent them out to the waiting room. He turned to me and, with his hand resting lightly on my arm, said “Tell me, what’s the problem? You so thin and though you smile, I think you very sad.”
The floodgates opened and out it all tumbled; I sobbed, wiping the tears and snot on my hand as I explained how the boys’ dad had been cheating and we’d broken up around eighteen months ago.
My GP told me to take the boys home, he would make some telephone calls and I was to come back to see him in an hour. When I returned to the surgery he’d called a Psychiatric Consultant colleague who agreed to see me; like — now, at our local general hospital, and Dr Nga was going to drop me off!
Now let’s go back a bit………..
Self-help for my mental illness started here
……….I’d been struggling desperately. I couldn’t see an end to the pain. I felt scared, worthless, hopeless, and suicidal.
That was when I had my own ‘breakdown‘………….. and that’s exactly what it felt like. Both physically and mentally, I was broken.
I had panic attacks throughout the day and particularly at night, keeping me awake.
It was torturous; twenty-four-seven, week on week and, with no end in sight, I wished I was dead!
At that time, I couldn’t talk to anyone but I knew I needed help. I was desperate so I got books from the library (pre-wi-fi) and tried to learn some self-help techniques for my anxiety, depression and psychosis. It went something like this:
Natural Self-help for your mental illness
I tried every natural stress relief, sleep-inducing, over-the-counter remedy known to man, without effect.
As an aromatherapist, I made up bottles of stress relief oils then bathed in them and sprayed them around liberally.
However, despite all the lovely citrusy, spicy and fruity oils, all I could smell was the overwhelmingly floral lavender, reminiscent of my granny’s old underwear drawers. This didn’t work either.
Soothing massage
As a qualified massage therapist, I was aware of the benefits so I booked myself in for a few sessions. However, the first masseuse pecked at me like a small bird trying to feed itself for the first time; it was more irritating than soothing!
The second time, I went for a seated massage which involves sitting on the chair with your upper body leaning forward, your arms on armrests and your face peeking through a hole. Looks comfortable, right?
Well, this lady (who’d attended the seated massage course with me) had me sit on a swivelling office chair! My muscles tensed more as I had to use my feet and legs to keep the chair from spinning!
Exercise
I used the local gym seven days a week, twice on Sunday; pounding the treadmill and pedalling like fury on the exercise bike.
If I couldn’t get to the gym I made up for it by jogging on the spot and running up and down our stairs.
I tried almost everything to relieve the constant anxiety and to wear myself out so I could sleep, but even the excessive exercise proved fruitless.
Hallucinations and paranoia
After three nights without sleep, I started to hear, see and feel odd things. It was strange because I heard people (I didn’t recognise the voices – but they were real) talking to me and about me; saying I was no good and I was dirty.
Suddenly I saw mice scurrying over my wooden floorboards and felt something crawling under my skin; it itched and I scratched and felt like bugs. I got up, tore off the bedsheets and put them into the washing machine on a 90-degree wash to get rid of anything that might have been crawling on them.
Worse still, that night I was wide awake, sitting curled up on my kitchen floor, and it came to me — with a thud-like a blow to my stomach — I’d killed someone!
I remembered it! OMG! My heart pounded and I felt the colour drain from my face as it all came flooding back.
How and where I’d buried that someone; by a huge tree outside my aunt’s flats. But I couldn’t remember who the someone was. I felt sick and tortured myself trying to figure out who it might be.
After that, whenever I saw a police car my stomach did somersaults, and I thought ‘This is it. They’ve come for me.’ I was terrified. However, there was no knock at the door.
At times I wondered if I should just hand myself in, and let them find out who I’d killed.
Mad, nuts or crazy
Although close friends and family were aware of my break-up with the boys’ dad and knew how devastated I was, I couldn’t tell anyone what was going through my head. I was afraid they’d think I was mad, nuts, or just plain crazy and that I should be locked away.
I certainly felt like I was going mad!
Seeing rats and the unknown ugly faces frightened me, but if I closed my eyes at least I would get some temporary relief.
However, the voices were incessant and unbearable; the constant rabble of people talking out loud about me and my inner fears. They spoke of all the bad things I’d ever done, and what should happen to people like me! They played tricks, and they were cruel.
Relaxing music
The voices kept me awake with their irrepressible verbal abuse. So, I bought a cd player, earplugs and a few (out there) CDs with relaxing music. The sound of water, the waves, and dolphins in the background helped me sometimes — if I really concentrated on them.
I replayed these throughout the nights but still, my heart pounded in my chest and thundered in my ears. I could barely breathe, and the panic attacks raged.
By the time I got the boys up for school, I was a wreck; I was sluggish and jittery, but I somehow managed to hide it from the boys. Even now, thankfully, they tell me how they always remember me being cheerful and smiley.
Fortunately, my part-time but demanding job at a fashion company helped abate the voices for a few hours but the anxiety, depression, and panic remained.
Hypnosis
I even tried expensive hypnotherapy but I couldn’t relax enough to go into a trance-like state.
I bought a hypnosis video to use when the boys were in bed. After watching it many times I did eventually doze off. Then if I kept my eyes closed when I ‘came to’, I was able to climb the stairs, get into bed and sleep for a while. Sometimes it didn’t work but I was so grateful for the times it did.
Did self-help work for my mental illness?
In hindsight, and before I studied mental health for three years +, I didn’t know that what self-help methods worked for anxiety or depression most certainly didn’t work for psychosis.
“Hindsight is not only clearer than perception-in-the-moment but also unfair to those who actually lived through the moment.”
Edwin S. Shneidman
Asylum
During my unwell years, I often remembered how, as kids, we’d all say stupid things like “The men in white coats will come to get you.” or “You’ll end up in Stratheden, (our nearest asylum)!
I recalled one day Mum said my stepdad was taking her to hospital for a short stay and I asked if I could go with them. Dad said no, and Mum said, “Aye; she’ll be fine.” So off we went and I didn’t think too much of it when we passed our local hospital — until I saw the massive sign — Stratheden Hospital.
I assumed and hoped we’d just drive past that too. But then we pulled up at the foreboding buildings and the grounds surrounded by high metal railings. I was petrified, and felt a certain shame; my mum was going into the Loonie bin. Oh my God!
From the car park, I could see people roaming around; some were stooped or walked oddly, and others made strange noises. A lady with long scraggly grey hair, wearing odd clothes, waved at me frantically and then cackled like an old witch. Not sure if it was designed to frighten me, but it did!
Mum and dad got out of the car but I wasn’t allowed to go with them so I was left sitting in the car and told not to open the doors to anyone. Ha, as if.
Back to the future
Fortunately, although I had suicidal thoughts, the Consultant Psychiatrist and the Psychology team were confident that I had no intention of killing myself. I’d said that even though I felt suicidal, I could never leave my sons with that legacy.
Hence, there was no need for admission, and three years of weekly gut-wrenching counselling followed — on and off because at times I was too afraid of the feelings it all evoked.
I hope you’ll continue to read My story, Part IV. You’ll learn about my suicide attempt and more of the hell I went through as I lived with mental illness.
Over to you
In the meantime, can you relate? Have you tried any of the self-help methods for anxiety, depression and/or psychosis? What worked or didn’t work for you? I’d be interested to hear your thoughts and I’m happy to answer any questions.
It’s so important that you’re sharing this story. 💕
Thank you, Ashley. I’m sure you know, it’s not easy telling all about ‘your own personal story’ but if only 1 person finds relief in knowing they’re not alone and seeks support………… xx
Absolutely.
I’m sorry you went through this. I had a breakdown before I was diagnosed with bipolar and heard my own voice repeating the negative mantras. And I too had suicidal thoughts but was able to fight them off because I could never abandon my son. I hope in part IV you find healing. Hugs ❤️
Aaawww, thank you, Adrienne; for stopping by and passing on lovely comments. You got it – about our children 🙂 xx
Hi! thanks for being so brave! Psychosis is so scary! I’ve had a few episodes of that alongside severe dissociative episodes! I am so glad you could come out the other side! 🙂
Thank you Carol Anne, I hope you managed to come out the other side too. xxx
Of course I don’t recognize everything from your story I understand the lack of sleep. Being tired and in no possibility to fall or stay asleep. I also tried herbal solutions, aromatherapy, massage (I only did hurt!), sauna, exercising to an extend. All to get some sleep. I didn’t hear voices, just the thoughs in my head 24/7 with no stop. As for seeing things, I ‘see’ bugs and flies but when I turn my head they are gone. When you’re stressed out and you can’t relieve the pressure anymore it’s so hard to keep going. Thank you for sharing your story. I really want to read some relief and a lot of happiness for you! <3
It’s not easy is it Sweetheart? And I feel for you. Ther is light at the end of the tunnel xxx
There must be! As long as we can blog some misery out of live, it will all be well. <3
Sitting in nature is helpful . Herbs like Aniseeds and Rosemary can help as well …
Communication with people you trust is helpful as well …You can contribute to the society and even helping out a pet like a cat or a dog can help relieve your pain …
Thank you for your tips and comments, wise words, as always 🙂
Awareness transforms and transmutes…
It’s really unfortunate that the fear of certain types of treatment can cause us to hide away symptoms of mental illness when we really do need help. I’m glad you found someone who reached out to take your hand.
Yep, your right. And yes, I was so glad for someone to notice and offer support.
I’ve only ever written once about psychotic depression. How you described your co-worker and the apple, the voices abusing you was the same for me. I would hear babies crying, horrible laughter, music on repetitive loops, loud banging and thought people were in the corners. It was terrible. I was the same, terrified to tell anyone.
I’m reading on, Love & Light to you
I feel for you, honestly. It’s terrifying, I know. I hope things are getting better for you and if you feel you want to write about it, please do. I’d love to read your story. Wishing you all the very best. Caz x
My Father had ECT treatment too and it never worked. It was pretty barbaric many, many years ago. Mu heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for commenting Michelle. It’s a shame that ect didn’t work – lots of patients swear by it. I never got used to seeing patients having ECT but went along to their appointments with them because they asked me to.
I’m talking about over 39 years ago. I’m sure the treatment has advanced these days.
Ah, it probably has improved over that time. But it’s still far from perfect, by any means. I think the NHS still has a way to go.
It’s a shame really cos having people seen long-term in the community is such a cost-effective way of managing disorders like anxiety and depression.
Yes I agree and here where I live on the Island the services are lacking and the waiting lists are long.
Ah, sorry, where are you Michelle? – if you can say.
Isle of Wight 🙂
Hi friend! I hope you are doing well!
Hello my lovely. Up and down at the moment and another post might follow………… explaining 🙂
Stay strong and make sure to give yourself more self care than normal
That’s the plan 😉 I’m trying x
I think it is fair to say, that none of these worked for me either Caz, other than I found a counsellor who respected me, and became an important part of, not just my life, but Linda’s as well. That’s not to say I haven’t had dark days (the black dog) since then, because I have. However, mostly (so not always – because sometimes it takes a while to remember what I need to do) I give myself time, work out how I am feeling (mad, glad, bad or sad), let those around me know I am not having a good day and talk to the person who puts up with me most. Now I am on the journey of finally sorting out my other health issues that I have ignored for far too long, and that is daunting too. Anyway, at least I am doing it, and much to the relief of my GP (she always apologises for giving me a hard time and I say to her she isn’t, because I know I need to do something about the list that is longer than my arm!)
I hear you Sean. I just tried everything that came to mind, other than go to my GP. However, in hindsight, those other self-help methods became easier to implement when I was recovering, they allowed me to focus on and realise the importance of my well-being.
Unfortunately, where everything’s been shut down for so long, I’ve not had the usual massage, haircut and styling, manicure, pedicure etc. While these might seem to trivial to others, they’re things that I can no longer do for myself, and I feel ugghhh when they’re not done. Okay — ask any woman 😉
I’ve been waiting for counselling from my neuro and pain teams and finally get to see someone next week – yay! I think I’ll be like “blurrgghhh” and let it all spill out 🙂
I’m glad that you found a good counsellor Sean as it’s not an easy task to find one that just gets it, gets you! Sorry to hear you have other health issues but it’s good to hear you’re finally sorting them out! Not too daunting, I hope. And as a former professional, I know how difficult it is to get men to seek help both both physical and mental health. That list sounds long so I’m happy your GP keeps on at you.
You take good care Sean and thank you for sharing — you know I’ll be on your case now too 😉 x
Really wonderful post! I think what helped me most with my anxiety and depression is meditation and yoga (or any type or exercise I just didn’t want to go to the gym so I do yoga lol😂). I tried hypnotherapy too and although I was only semi-hypnotised it was still quite helpful.
Thank you for your input, as always Pooja and I’m glad you found things that helped you. Sometimes it’s just by trial and error that we find a slef-help methods that works for us,
I’m waiting for counselling, again, having been referred a fortnight ago. I hope it happens soon 🙂
Very important topic. I’m so sorry you experienced this, you’re very strong! I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life and have had low moments when I wanted life to end, but I never attempted suicide. I knew someone who said she started hearing negative voices that were telling her to self harm, after she had a head injury in a car accident. She researched/used medicinal mushrooms (not psychedelic) she said they stopped the voices. I believe her, I wish I could remember the name of it. She graduated from Harvard, I met her in a meditation class.
Lately I’ve been struggling with painful eczema all over my body, the pain takes me to a whole other level! and I can’t sleep because of the itching.
It takes me to this edge of death feeling, hard to explain, maybe it’s raw pain mixed with a shot of adrenaline. It scares me when I feel that sensation.
Life is full of the wonderful and the terrible! My best coping technique right now is dark humor, writing/creative expression, goofy dancing by myself, praying to the God of my heart for support/healing and most importantly love for my child keeps me wanting to remain on the planet. Children are a true blessing.
Aaaww, I’m so sorry to hear you’ve struggled with depression my lovely and I hope you have good support mechanisms and it seems you have some coping skills. It’s a dreadful and often misunderstood invisible illness! Yes, I can imagine your friend experiencing hallucinations after a head injury. Wow! She was lucky to find something that worked. I’ve tried cannabis but just makes me more paranoid. The CBT oils I’ve tried just don’t work for me 🙁
Ouch, eczema, that must be really painful. I had a young nephew with eczema and his parent got Chinese medications for him. It looked like a bag of twigs, leaves and stones to me – but it cured his eczema. I saw him only two years ago, a young adult now and he looks great.
However, my youngest son gets psoriasis, particularly when he’s stressed. He has his own lotions and potions to help keep it at bay.
I agree about life……….. who know what and when anything’s going to occur, and will it be wonderful or damn awful? I too have a dark and dry sense of humour, that not a lot of people get — until they know me. I also agree — my sons and grandchildren are my reason for living and accepting whatever life throws at me — one way or another 🙂
Thank you for sharing, it’s good getting to know you. Caz x
great post.. I have missed some!!! sorry about that!
Hey, no worries Cindy and thank you for always commenting ❤️
You’re so welcome Caz!
💖💖🌷🌷
whew! am so very very glad to know you’re ok. would you be so kind as to guest blog post for my site? If you’re so inclined, here’s a link to general guidelines: https://wp.me/p6OZAy-1eQ
Thank you my lovely. And yes, that would be cool. I’ll take a look at you’re guidelines and get back to you. Do you have anything in particular you’d like me to write? Caz x
Big hugs. I admire you for being so strong. Thank you for sharing this part of you.
Big hugs right back at you!