My suicidal thoughts and plan

Have you ever had suicidal thoughts and made a plan?

Hands up for World Suicide Prevention Day
Suicidal thoughts and a plan
Suicidal thoughts and a plan?

Hands up if you’ve ever had suicidal thoughts and had a plan, or know someone who has! Okay, so today is World Suicide Prevention Day, one day that observes the commitment to remove the social stigma around discussions on suicide.

The World Health Organisation (WHO) estimates that each year approximately one million people die from suicide, one death every 40 seconds. It’s predicted that by 2020 the rate of death will increase to one every 20 seconds. And this was before we’d heard of Covid. Still, that makes approximately two millions deaths each year, and we choose to observe this fact only one day each year?

Still, once a year has to be better than not at all. I’m delighted to learn that it’s rather different in the USA. They have a National Suicide Prevention Month. During this time, mental health advocates, prevention organizations, survivors, allies, and community members unite to promote suicide prevention awareness.

Mind you, is it any wonder as more than 45,000 people die each year by suicide in America?

My interest in suicide prevention

Transverse Myelitis with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts
Transverse Myelitis with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts

You might wonder why my interest in this particular subject. If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll already know that I have a rare and invisible physical disability called Transverse Myelitis. It comes with many and varied symptoms, some of which are:

  • muscle weakness in the arms/legs, causing mobility problems
  • uncomfortable nerve sensations, neuropathic pain, spasticity
  • pain and discomfort, sensory symptoms such as numbness or tingling
  • bladder dysfunction and/or bowel motility problems and sexual dysfunction
  • fatigue
  • muscle spasms in arms and legs
  • depression and anxiety caused by lifestyle changes, stress, and chronic pain

On March 31st 2011, my entire life changed overnight. Everything from being unable to attend to my hygiene needs to being medically retired from a job that I loved. I was devastated. I hated being disabled. And I was so damn angry at the world, and everyone in it. I was severely depressed and if had to stay like that forever, I was going to kill myself. I felt suicidal — again!

On this very day last year, I shared my history of mental illness publicly, and for the first time. What began as a one off post, turned into a series, which I’ve still to finish — one year later. However, I’ve had a few physical and mental setbacks over the last few months and my mood has taken a massive nosedive. And I just can’t shake it off, despite copious amounts of medication, and all my training, knowledge and skills in mental health.

Suicidal thoughts and me

When the devil whispers - book cover Ajinkya Bhasme
Book cover Ajinkya Bhasme

Anxiety and depression have set in and suicidal thoughts have managed to penetrate my age old barriers, permeating every pore. That little devil is sitting on my shoulder, whispering loudly “Everyone would be better of without you,” or “You are disgusting,” together with expletives and vile threats. And I wonder why other people can’t hear him. Maybe they can, and perhaps they agree with him, or they’re telling him to say all this?

Only it’s not a little devil, it’s not the devil’s voice. It’s the gravelly, rasping and hissing voice of my abuser, my step-grandad. I know not why his disgusting diatribe appears when it does. All I know is that he makes me sick, despite the fact he’s been dead for some years now. And no, in his case, I have no respect for the dead.

Now, he’ll never know the devastating effects of his sick and twisted sexual urges, and how I can’t sleep, or if I do, how the nightmares wake me up screaming cotton mouthed and struggling to breathe.

He’ll never know about the lost years of my life where I felt hurt, confused and angry. Or how much that’s impacted on areas of my life, like when a word, touch or simple movement interrupts an intimate moment. But perhaps this is another post.

I’ve never been much of a believer, but sometimes I wish I had an angel on my opposite shoulder berating that sick pervert. Better still, punching his lights out and telling him he’s wrong, and to leave this beautiful soul alone.

Too young to be suicidal

Children can be suicidal but don't tend to plan it
Some children are suicidal

Suicidal thoughts have plagued me since I was eleven years old. I didn’t quite grasp the whole concept of suicidal ideation or completion, I just knew I didn’t want to be alive. I think that because I had therapy as an adult, and I have my nursing skills, I’ve been able to ignore these thoughts — to some degree sometimes.

However, on bad days and times like this, it feels like I’m standing on a skinny ledge, and any slight change in the wind’s going to tip me over the edge.

Yes, I can talk about it on my blog, in comments on other blogs, I can tell hubby or friends that’s how I feel. Then there’s a great gush of sudden wisdom, all the platitudes, the well-meaning, but empty words. “I know how you feel,” or “You’ve got through this before,” and “You’re strong, you can do this.”

Well get this. I don’t feel f*cking strong. I’m tired of being f*cking strong. So f*ck off somewhere else with your bullsh*t and when you get there, f*ck off some more. And if you feel like judging, get this — Why don’t you take the f*cking plank out of your own damn eyes, before you take the splinter out of mine?

Suicidal planning and risk assessment

Suicidal ideation, plan, means and method
Do they have access to a gun?

As a mental health nurse and ward manager, the ability to carry out a suicidal risk assessment is an important skill, the purpose of which is to:

  • Establish the patient’s intent/plan.
  • Do they know what method they’ll use i.e. overdose, jump from a bridge, gun or other lethal methods.
  • Do they have the means by which to carry out their plan, i.e. stockpiled medication, locality or ability to get to a high bridge, do they have access to a gun. Always ask whether “if we could take your pain and suffering away, would you still want to die.
  • Assess the seriousness and perceived seriousness of their attempt, i.e. the middle-aged, middle-classed, white lady living in London who says she’s going to shoot herself – would she know how to access a gun or how to use it? This would reduce the seriousness somewhat.
  • When will they carry this plan out i.e. is there a birthday or a date coming up which reminds them of something sad or makes them angry, or will it be on impulse.
  • Assess how they feel about the attempt at the time of assessment, i.e. asking something like “How do you feel knowing what you’re going to do?”
  • Find out if they have anything to look forward to i.e. long-awaited holiday in the Caribbean.

Covering these points allowed me to make an adequate assessment of risk.

Warning, do not try this at home. The above techniques are to be used by medical and nursing professionals only”

Caz

My suicide plan

Suicidal ideation and plan to jump from 12th floor flat
Should I jump from my 12th floor flat?

Whoops, I went off on a tangent there. But I suppose all that plays a role in my current dilemma. Looking back at the risk assessment I can see that I

  • have the intent and plan
  • have various means and methods, like bags full of medication, and I live on the 12th floor of my block, right opposite tube and train stations
  • feel that over the last week, the pressure has been mounting and if tonight, I have more horrific nightmares or can’t sleep, the seriousness increases
  • don’t have a specific date and I know it would be impulsive
  • am not sure how I feel. I don’t want to think or feel — anything, so I don’t try to
  • probably have thing I could look forward to, but I don’t really care one way or another

Hubby thinks the weekend away with friends, that he’s planned, is going to help. And it might. It might help me forget — for a while — and a few ten glasses of wine almost certainly will — short term.

Older lady seeks weekend fun

Okay, enough already! Stop the pity party! I hear you say. And I agree, cos even I get on my own nerves. Now I know I won’t be attempting to die by suicide anytime this week, perhaps my brain will switch off and give me some respite.

Rather than sitting indoors alone at my laptop, I’ll be engaging in some happy and no doubt funny conversations with my cousins and their partners. Hopefully, during those forty-eight hours where we’ll be sipping on cocktails and dining by barbeque, my brain will reboot and remind me what fun is.

Author: mentalhealth360.uk

Mum to two amazing sons. Following recovery from a lengthy psychotic episode, depression, anxiety and anorexia, I decided to train as a Mental Health Nurse and worked successfully in various settings before becoming a Ward Manager. I am a Mental Health First Aid Instructor and a Mental Health Awareness Trainer, Mental Health First Aid Youth and Mental Health Armed Forces Instructor. Just started my mental health from the other side blog.

71 thoughts on “My suicidal thoughts and plan”

  1. All I can do is send you a hug.
    I also agree with the comment above, it’s never a bad idea to write somethings of of your chest. It can be helpful for a while.

      1. Well, if you have suicidal thoughts then it would be dumb of me not to respect that. But I would miss our little banter and I’m sure you hubby would miss a whole lot more.

  2. I can relate on so many levels. I too have planned since I was 12. I just found out today that it’s ok to be sad and grieve what we lost. I guess I’m having my own pity party today.
    Love and forgive yourself. Hugs and prayers. 💜🙏🏼

  3. This is so topical today because I’ve spoken about it in my own therapy today. I can relate to so much of what you speak of. I too was a nurse, I too loved my job, I too was forced to medically retire because of multiple sclerosis which plagues me daily.
    I don’t want to do the whole, ‘you’re not alone’ by I would like to thank you for making me feel less alone. You clearly get it. Thanks for writing about it.

  4. You may remember last year when I shared how I was feeling suicidal for the first time in my life.
    This time last year I was already having strong urges of being suicidal after it started late August, through to October at its strongest, then getting less strong intentions after that.

    May you get some respite from it.

      1. For things that have happened to me these past 3 weeks, on top of what I have already and the effects how Coronavirus has affected us all individually, I thought I was going to go down that road again. But I haven’t.
        I hope you have support. Then there is us here, on WordPress. My neighbour has been supportive at some low moments these past few weeks.

      2. Aaawww, sorry to hear that. I should have realised too cos I know how much stress you’ve been under. I’m glad you had some support.

        Perhaps I’ll be better after the weekend 🙂 You, have a good one Liz x 💓

  5. Thanks so much for sharing this. It makes so many of us feel less alone. It’s so interesting to hear your take on your own mental health from your perspective as a MH nurse, and thank you for sharing so openly. I love this question – ‘if we could take your pain and suffering away, would you still want to die?’ – I’d never thought of that before 🙂 I hope you enjoy your weekend away and am thinking of you and sending all my best wishes <3

    1. Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I think that’s why I always cling on — if someone could take away all this pain and hurt, no I wouldn’t want to die. But it’s the impulsivity that scares me. I really want to stay alive for my sons, my hubby, and family. And it’s unfortunate that ‘us’ professional never seem to be able to heed their own advice 🙁 Thank you once again — I know I’m not alone x

  6. Thanks for sharing this and bringing up a topic that is often uncomfortable to discuss. I’ve been suicidal, and when I was younger, I tried it and failed. More recently, I think about changes in the U.S. political system and the real possibility of living under a fascist regime, and I ask myself if I can do that and the answer, for now, is I’d rather die. I don’t have a plan; well, I have a sort of plan which involves finding a way to purchase enough morphine for a painless death. But I have not researched how one can find prescription drugs without a prescription.

    1. It’s a terrible feeling Robert, isn’t it? And quite frightening. I’m glad you’re not at the planning stage, or at least you don’t have the means right now. I hope you’ve been able to share with someone close to you or been able to access professional help. Thank you for your thoughtful comments and for sharing x

      1. I have a good therapist, but this is different from the feelings I had when I was younger and didn’t know why I was such a mess. I did not vote for a racism and homophobia, nor did I vote to have my system of government disamantled. I’ve been in therapy for most of my life, and while I’m not the healthiest man on the planet, I know how to use reason and I know the difference between right and wrong. I don’t want to live in a nation that complacently accepts an abusive narcissist as its president. If trump is re-elected and the power of this government becomes a weapon of destruction, I’d rather die by my own hand, because I’m too proud to let an armed ninny kill me. I hope I don’t sound too sharp, I have strong feelings on the subject of systems of abuse, fascism, and the right to die. With that said, anyoe who feels suicidal should seek guidence and clarity. Suicide should never be the first option on anyone’s menu of choices. And thank you for caring.

      2. I get you Robert, we’re living in strange times and things that none of us voted for are causing chaos. We never voted to go into the EU back in the 70’s! And it p’s me off big time that we get no say, all our governments and world leaders – don’t get me started on Bush and Blair!!! They’re all abusive narcissists but the one great thing is we now how social media where we can find out way more stuff. People are starting to rise up and it’s actually quite scary, so like you – it’s not the world I chose to live in!

        I understand your message loud and clear Robert and you’re perfectly entitled to your thoughts and opinions. At least here in the blogosphere, people are more understanding and empathic.

        You take care, and keep in touch. Caz 💓

      3. I get it. Our Nations are different, so the tensions are different. In the United States, racism is a plague, and I see violent racists as abusive narcissists. I see a direct link between the Invasion of Iraq and the public cynicism that made Putin’s s 2016 attack on the U.S. elections a successful one. Putin uses real issues and exacerbates them to divide people. I am not suggesting that this is what happened with the Brexit vote in the U.K. – I don’t have the insight to make a judgement about Brexit, but this is clearly what happened in the United States. It infuriates me to watch our press and our political leaders struggle to avoid the truth of it after for years of Trump’s dereliction of duty: we are under attack, and the most lethal weapon in Putin’s arsenal is our president. The best-case scenario is the U.S. comes out of this with more wisdom and a more substantial commitment to our founding principles. I believe our Justice Department should have prosecuted the Bush administration for war crimes, but I’m just a guy whose life was broken by an abusive family in a neighborhood populated by vicious anti-semitic racists. I discussed the issue today with my therapist: when does suicide become a question of taking control of how you suffer and die? I don’t have the answer yet. Thank you again for your post, and good luck. I know that my friends in the U.K. are going through a lot of pain as well. Take care of yourself. 🙂

      1. Cheers, Caz. We have been lucky to see him three times over the years. We took our youngest son to the most recent concert because he has never been to one before and he had loved watching Rocket Man. He was blown away and we were so happy he got to see one of the greats.

      2. Wow! I used to love taking the boys to concerts to see the likes of Tomes Jones or Van Morrison and they loved it too. I’d go see Elton John if he was to do a concert in London 🙂

  7. Thanks for sharing your story- it helps us know we are not alone. I was suicidal as a teenager and I think it was because I was experiencing a lot of negative emotions and didn’t know how to deal with them properly.

  8. I literally just read about that condition a few days ago!!!

    I know you are tired – and I have no idea the things you go through.

    People never tell you in life what you mean to them… for me I make it a point to do so but even before I made a point to let people in my life know how much they mean to me – I have always been like that.

    I see funeral after funeral where the families are devastated and friends are beside themselves – if only we could have few more moments, if only they could have said..

    Things that should have been shown or said when they were alive

    I also personally experienced the other side of that when I had breast cancer … when I told everyone – they came to my side immediately… I even had politicians who told me very personal things simply to make me feel ok, they took a risk to make me feel better… they didn’t have to share those personal details, and others offered everything… and people I didn’t know jumped in my life to hold my hand … I was still alive … and when that happened – while I was alive … I got to see how much I meant to people … I didn’t have to die for it. I was both blown away and also very lucky. Mine was breast cancer – a little more well known, they know it can kill. So I dunno? But I got to see what I meant to people while I was alive

    I cherish life because I had to fight for it.

    And I see death pretty much every day. You don’t want to go there.

    Yes there is a peace to death, and sometimes with exhaustion we want that…

    But that’s it, that’s final. And the devastation for others because of that loss – you don’t know how many times I see that!!

    Here we do have the month of awareness … and we have a national hotline 24/7 you can remain anonymous and say whatever you want.

    It still happens though – sometimes it’s hard for people to come out with it.

    I was there in moments – when I was losing my family and my ex was on my back – I was at my breaking point … and my mom, I want my mom so much… it breaks my heart… I just want her!! I don’t want her to leave… I want to be like a child and cling to her leg. Don’t leave me!

    Then I got cancer to top all that off – omg wtf life!!

    It was a lot to handle – and the doctor made me give up my life … it was awful

    But I got to see how people do care – is sad that it takes a death or medical issue like that to bring those things to life … but it did.

    And you will come across what I call “earth angels” … people who come into your life and really lift you somehow. Watch for the earth angels – keep them near you

    I can tell you all that really saved my life… and having to fight for it… I still have my moments – but I take a minute and reset

    Laughter was a big thing that saved my life too.

    Bad things are going to happen, hello 2020 🤨😝

    And also… my girlfriend always said something that used to bug the shit out of me…

    I would be struggling and she would say to me… do you know what makes a diamond? 🤨 … pressure

    I just hated that when she said that… but whatever I suppose it’s true… it does take pressure to create a diamond 💎

    Anyway – I see a lot of death… don’t go that way ever… if you ever need anything or anyone to talk to … here is my email:
    Hazasmile@gmail.com

    Please take care and hope you are doing ok. Please email anytime you need. ✌️

    1. Sorry to hear you went through that; breast cancer. My step-daughter is going through it right now. and that together with reading your story has made me realise that I’m being selfish. Some people have no choice in whether they get to stay on this earth.

      And I know you’re right. As a mental health nurse I came across many suicides. Some where the families were devastated and some where they felt relieved for their loved one as they no longer had to suffer.

      Lol, that diamond bit would have gotten on my nerves too. People say all kinds of well-meaning things and often end up getting it wrong.

      Thank you so much for offering your support and email address — that’s so kind of you.

      I will keep on keeping well 🙂

      1. Yes exactly!! Life can be taken from some in an instant … or facing death itself!! It’s terrifying. Life will always have its ups and downs

        Ya know there is a saying I always think of “myself” … kinda makes me smile?? And then the terms I apply it with …

        It’s that one that says … the only way to be old and wise, is to be young an stupid. Lol … later I just think how wise I’ll be 😄😘 gotta get through all the stupid stuff first lol … I dunno I have a warped mind lol

        But the diamond saying used to drive me nuts!! Completely! Lol – hated it every time she said that!! Cause how long does a diamond need pressure – isn’t that thousands or millions of years – cause I am not doing that lol … I have had enough lol

        Of course… I do get busy with things but I do check daily – if you just need to vent or whatever – please feel free … mean that. I know what is like to just need a soul to who will listen and genuinely cares. There are actually incredibly amazing people who do care ✌️😘

        Life is always going to throw really hard stuff… sometimes I wonder if maybe is lessons for a future thing that will go through? I have learned how to survive through many many things … I still learn and still have crap happen… but that’s ok… ya know “life” I mainly just be thankful and enjoy the things I can.

        One thing I did also, was right after my last surgery – I dropped all social media… that also seriously brightened my world.

        I am careful with who I let come close and ya know I do love things about life

        But yes, absolutely – you need a friend … please reach out!! Mean that wholeheartedly 😘✌️

      2. Lol, not waiting thousands of years, like a diamond 😉

        I really appreciate your offer of support and I know how much you mean it. I know where you are now 🙂

        I know there’s many amazing caring people in our blogosphere, I just don’t see many out there in the ‘real’ world lol.

        Social media – yes, that’s a tough one. I’ve just looked at FB for the first time since Thursday last week and I had 8 private messages and hundreds of notifications that I didn’t have to look at. I just wasted 2 hours on it so I think I really need to reduce my time on social media other than my blog.

        You are such a sweetheart 😘😘😘

      3. I do believe social media is making people have hard times. When I had my last surgery and went completely silent (yes I am aware that is not “normal” lol) I just had a lot of pressure leading up to that surgery and ex has been so bad so I went silent and moved away from everyone.

        It gave me peace… being away from social media allowed me to breathe… I’m not kidding … it’s very heavy. And then your own thoughts get jumbled from all the background noise off of social media.

        To step away gives you peace and freedom… although I will warn you lol… when I did that they all went crazy lol

        I don’t even know how many messages I have now and notifications are off the charts… I have not been on since July 9th 2019.

        Those who know me would text me because I was not even opening Facebook … one even kept checking on me and made the comment “I just wanna make sure you are not slitting your wrists or anything” 😮 lol

        I wasn’t – I just needed the peace for my own self

        I only responded to the people I knew would call in a swat team if I didn’t lol 🙄

        Another thing is… to find those amazing people in real life… you have to be real…

        And what I mean by that is… be free… let go and be who you are – the right people will walk into your life…

        Say what you want, do things how you want, be cautious and watch how people are… but don’t hold yourself back. Definitely be free for yourself.

        Don’t care what anyone thinks about how you live – we all experience things and life is not always perfect as people want to project…

        I grew up really strict Irish Catholic – I wasn’t allowed to talk about boys or my body… nothing uncomfortable. It almost killed me.

        When I first had my period – I didn’t know was supposed to stop and mine did not – I had it for one entire year nonstop at age 16… by the end of the year I was rushed to the hospital with only 1 pint of blood left. 😮 I was about to go into a coma… black kept coming in my eyes. My parents still fought the doctors about giving me blood because they only wanted theirs – not anyone else’s. But they didn’t have time – you want your blood or your daughter? So they relented

        I feel that if they had only spoken to me about things that never would have happened.

        And my family was one of those families who had things going on “behind the curtain” and they brushed them under the rug so we could look perfect.

        I did genealogy for awhile and I found an entire set of 1st cousins that were written off and out of the family before I was born – I had never heard their names … my brother had taken a dna test to know his own genealogy and they all showed up and it was confirmed – they are amazing people. Guess what the reason was? Religion – we are Catholic, they are Protestant … the father died (he was blood) the wife and kids were abandoned by the family because of that.

        And they never spoke of!!

        My grandfather had a brother – I was always told he died at birth … but I found a photo… of my grandfather with someone who looked like he could be his twin!! 😮 they were a year apart… they call kids that are a year apart “Irish twins”

        Well he did not die at birth … he made it to his 20’s… went to New York and got a job as a bell hop at a fancy hotel… not sure what happened but he took his own life … I only found that out after everyone who could tell me had died 🤨

        I was raised that people were all “good”… I never knew bad people, they sheltered alot… I didn’t know about drugs or alcohol or abuse – that is dangerous to shelter a child so severely like that… and here I am.

        They never spoke of those things … those were very important subjects

        And in today’s world I see people want their lives to look perfect but they are not truly happy, and many don’t feel like they can totally be free? Maybe judgement ? Or they have a presence to uphold? Who cares?

        So I would say be free with who you are and do not care what anyone else thinks – there will be someone you connect with on that.

        And then also for yourself- once you have that outside silence and are able to be free … make sure you do things you enjoy and start to enjoy life for yourself.

        It’s a process 🙄😑😄 no one ever said would be easy and it’s not… but whatever

        I use that word a lot “whatever” … Sometimes things get heavy for me… but it’s just a moment, it will pass and I will get through it… I take a deep breath and handle… don’t let it stress you too much…

        Remember that people gonna be people and they all have different personalities – only keep the ones around you that you can handle and brighten your world… some will be toxic… distance yourself from those.

        Using the word whatever helps me a lot lol 😄😘✌️

        It’s just life – life totally kicked my ass … but I plan on kicking back lol

        Anyway just thoughts – whatever lol 😄✌️

        Your world will brighten, but you have to be who you are – don’t stifle that! Be open.

        The world needs more open✌️ this is why we are all in these positions to begin with

        I do mean what I say so just stay strong and be well – if you need me – you have my contact 😘❤️✌️

        Take care

      4. Oh, I know lots of amazing people, willing to help out, fortunately, and if I let them in 😉 It’s other people out there in the world who lack empathy, compassion and feel the need to judge others.

        I only surround myself with good people in my life – I left the others way behind years ago. Some of these people were just taking and never seemed willing or able to give back. My life is better without these people.

        Wow, that’s awful what you went through, you nearly died, and I can’t believe people let religion get in the way of saving a life – like Jehovah witnesses. I know some of them in my family and they too have things going on behind the curtains – lots of things they’re not supposed to do.

        And that too, abandoning family for religious reasons – I thought all the religious people are supposed to care about people?

        I gave up caring a long time ago what people think of me. I’m a good person with strong beliefs about being kind to others and passing no judgement. So, people can say what they want!

        You are so sweet, stay the way you are, and thank you for your continued support.

        I did some mindfulness and a few other ‘exercises’ and I feel like I’m on the up now. 😘❤️

      5. Glad to hear that ❤️

        Yeah go figure on those religious things.

        At work I deal with a few who are toxic, but whatever – I pay them no mind and don’t really care either

        People will always judge or backstab whatever … I’m sorry their lives are so sad that that’s how they operate – I feel sorry for them more than anything cause their life must really suck to treat others like that.

        Oh well… keep living towards the dream ❤️✌️

        I always love this saying…

        Those who mind,
        Don’t matter

        Those who matter,
        Don’t mind ❤️✌️

        That’s like one of my favorites ❤️

      6. Yes, religion can do one! 😉 Yes, that’s all we can do is to pity toxic people for having such sad lives that they feel the need to pick on others.

        I love that saying too ❤️ Thank you my lovely x

  9. Thank you so much for choosing to follow my blog! I truly appreciate your support! What you have to say is powerful. Thank you for sharing!

  10. I hope the noisy situation that triggered your plans goes away soon. That will at least give you some neutral ground to stand on. Also, I wanted to thank you for the tips you’ve given on how to talk to people who might be considering suicide. I tried to put them to use recently in replying to a blog post that hinted at thoughts of suicide. I’m not sure if it made a big difference or if the thoughts were serious, but I decided I should do as you said and not pretend I didn’t see it.

  11. I would never judge you, honey. I’ve been there. I attempted suicide when I was 14 and almost didn’t make it. Also, my late husband committed suicide in Oct. of 2011 and I was the one that found him afterwards. I know how it is when you just want the pain to stop and don’t know any other way to make it stop. All I can do is tell you how much I care and send you hugs and loving thoughts your way. Know that you’re among friends and we would never do anything to cause you hurt. <3

    1. Oh Cherie, I’m so sorry that you also felt the need, particularly when you were so young. Then to go through that terrible experience of your husband dying by suicide — and having to find him. I can only imagine the pain you must have felt. I hope you got the support you needed. I really appreciate your understanding, empathy and kind words Cherie, thank you so much. x

  12. I can imagine how overwhelming all these can be. Especially the voice that whispers “everyone will be better without you”. That voice never tells you the hurt that will forever be in the heart of loved ones when one carries out a suicide plan. That voice never whispers hope.. Because there is! ….

    In all, I’m proud of who you have become. You are a hero. 💪

    I was contemplating about sharing a story on my blog about someone I know who died by suicide… But I’m unsure if to share such story. It’s a sad touching story, but there’s one or two things to pick from it. And it’s an eye opener for us to be concious of people’s behaviour close to us and the painful process of dieing is not worth it. There is hope for all and everyone deserve to live. We only need to tap into our inner strength.
    So, I’m unsure of sharing such touching story and I’m thinking if I’ll offend anyone if I do share… Since it’s a sensitive topic. I will value your opinion on this please.

    1. Once again, thank you for your lovely and very much appreciate kind words Lady P. It does help to know that someone’s listening and cares.

      Yes, please do share your story and if you’re worried, put a Trigger Warning at the beginning letting people know of the content and then it is up to them if they wish to continue reading. I believe we can all learn something from such posts and it’s important to increase awareness of this emotive and sensitive topic. And as you’re writing from your point of view, no one can argue about how you saw it, felt it or write about it — it’s your personal point of view.

      I’d really be interested in reading it.

      1. Oh okay. Thank you so much. I appreciate your response and it is very much valued. Although, just like my other stories, I will write a possible way out and state why it’s not healthy as well as how we need to listen more to people and notice strange behaviour to help.

        Thank you again. I’ll start working on that write up.

        Be blessed. *sending love your way.

      1. Mine too … But I did effort for that … Started writing, sharing, divert my mind any how, stop thinking, keep me busy, …. But still sometimes when that previous pains flashback it’s like I’m back to that started point where I started ….

      2. Oh I hear you. It took some effort and unfortunately it seems to happen out of nowhere — well, when I’m stressed and overwhelmed by things to do or the expectations of others 🙁

        I’m glad that writing helps you too and I look forward to following your journey. Keep on keeping well 🙂

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